A Foolish Neighbor
[Short Edition]
Un Vecino Tonto
By Fernando Sorrentino
Translated by Philipe Nicolini
My next-door neighbor is a fool. I, however, am witty and graceful. I always amuse the other executives of our company, a company leading its industry. With my neighbor, who is a fool, they would not possibly be amused.
When I settled down into my flat; I have a flat on the avenue of the Liberator, furnished in all comfort; a flat at the proper level of an executive. For It was only after I'd settled into my flat that I found the foolish neighbor in the elevator, it caused me to immediately pause and to think, "This man is a fool!"
I realized he was a fool, of course, because I am very sagacious. In addition, the thing had a foolish face. Contrasting openly with his, my face is clear; the face of a dynamic, intelligent, and able person. I come complete with a personality of sheer pleasantness. But my all-together winning image had to grace that limited presence. Still his eyes held no light, his wide nose inhaled with labor, despite his grotesquely pronounced sunken lip. it would not rise, no, not even for that voluminous neck. The neighbor portrays everything of waste in a mediocre linage. He has no perspective of future, no anxieties of progress. He is the very image of a foolish man, in sum.
Right away I noticed that the fool-hearted neighbor wanted to establish conversation while we rose in the elevator. He tried to distract me from the beauty and musings of our mutual surroundings. You see, In England, one is lifted by the lift. In the United States we might be elevated but not elevator-ed. This is an important thing not to forget. I sometimes walk our company steps, for long hours, studying this philosophical problem with the Senior Executive of Planning.
So the fool wanted a discussion. But, NO, he did not want to discuss a philosophical mystery! He wanted to discuss the subject dearest to his foolish fancy. He told me that the heat had come and if it didnt rain that night he would be beside himself with what to do! As I am a gifted storyteller, having to follow in his wake and share in his vulgarity, (a real liability had this been business), I thought it only fair to entertain myself. Instead of simply describing the functions of an air conditioner, which was logical, I informed him that I had an infallible method to know when it would rain. Then I squashed his hopes! I really did. I said the night would fall without a drop. My neighbor is such a fool! Such a total fool that he believed me completely. Nevertheless, this timid man, a man without dynamism, was prevented from asking me questions of the method. We had already arrived at my door.
Since that day, I began to greatly amuse myself with the foolish neighbor. As executives we need creative outlets to develop along with the intellectual tasks of the company. Every day I invented a lie. My neighbor, being such a fool, found them absolutely credible.
I made him think, for example, that I was a Colonel. I am, in fact, an executive of one of the most prestigious companies, an industry leader dedicated to the production, promotion and the sale of peanuts, lupines, pochoclo and garapiñada. I did not tell him the truth because I am modest and because I am graceful. But still there is another problem: All morning long my foolish neighbor sells newspapers and magazines in the Primera Junta station. He must work until one in the afternoon to maintain his flat with a view to the river. This is the most appropriate view for a foolish man. The only thing in the rivers interior is water.
So you understand, that I was very frightened when he asked to be my orderly. The truth is that I did not want him. The bull-hearted truth is that our company, a company leader in its industry, was planning administrative cutbacks. It is difficult to help the fool when I cannot have confidence in the head of Personnel. You see, my company gives me many responsibilities and I must take care of all of them with nothing but work from seven in the morning until nine at night to maintain a flat on the building face. The foolish neighbor wishes to become my responsibility! He uses all his powers of joyous living to seduce my favor. All the time, he salutes saying: "Good night, Colonel! (Cómo está usted, Colonel) " Of course, if it is morning, he says to me, Good morning, Colonel, "¡Buenos días, Colonel!" If it is late, he shouts "Good afternoon!" It pleases me to deserve the respect that the foolish neighbor demonstrates. As he believes himself to be talking to a Colonel, I usually answer with a few words said in a sharp and dry tone.
*
One Sunday he invited us to lunch. We accepted only because the President of my company inexplicably forgot to send an invitation to the Cajun Roast at his villa. My lady immediately realized that the woman of the neighbor was a complete fool, as well. My lady, Gepeta, habitually solves the problem of balancing German Sausage using only hardened eggs. Yet, Maria of the Carmen, (Doesnt this sound like a foolish name?) the fools woman, cooked complicated delicacies by juggling crocks, fryers and asaderas pots all morning. She desperately tried to entertain us with rich, hand-tossed morsels despite her foolish husband that usually ate a lite lunch before his supper.
For that occasion she had prepared antipasto, homemade raviolis, broiled chicken and a cherry cake. My passion for the truth does not let to me lie. I must confess, in honor of the woman of the foolish neighbor: Those entrées were delicious! Such a pity that Gepeta and I ruined them all by throwing sugar and cinnamon on the first three courses. We saved pepper for the dessert. The astonishment and admiration that the foolish neighbors demonstrated generously compensated for the pain and loathing that the condiments caused us.
In order to perfect their table with my grace, I explained to them that in Germany, where I had studied logistics, one eats that way because it is the only effective means to avoid illness of the liver. The foolish neighbor listened like an ídolo. His women looked to me with yearning like the Blue Prince of her girlish dreams. But these neighbors are such fools, such fools, that they did not hit upon an imitation. The fools were so timid that they preferred to become ill of the liver! Back home, while we vomited, Gepeta and I almost burst of laughter when thinking about the joke that we played. It remained funny until the doctor extended our prescriptions.
*
At the office I have an important bookcase made of Italian walnut. It holds a collection of fourteen bound books. When I give a cocktail party for the other executives, they always have to watch their backs. One day while leafing through the wonderful world of the animals, an idea came to me whose genius surpassed even my previous glory. As soon as I was with the foolish neighbor, I put it into practice.
Do you like house pets? I started. Of course, I already knew the answer from our lunch in his silly flat. The foolish neighbor has an aquarium with water, ferns and little fishes. If the fool wanted to overlook artistic expression, he might have gone cheap with batrachians and turtles.
Why have you not bought a pterodactyl? I continued.
Pterodactyl? The foolish neighbor continued as well. What is a pterodactyl?
I had anticipated that he wouldnt know what a pterodactyl was. Foolish neighbors do not know anything of the veterinary sciences. I explained to him, resorting to my remarkable faculty of knowledge, which were the characteristic of pterodactyl.
..I have one, I completed.
Could you show it to me, Colonel? (Foolish neighbors usually requested the impossible).
Lamentably, no - the Colonel cannot give his consent any more. He would give it with much pleasure were it me who request it. You see-- if you watch the pterodactyl, he dies of terror in the very act. This is one of its more remarkable characteristics. For that reason they are so expensive. It is necessary to keep them in a dark box, preferably of ebony wood, and it is necessary to throw food by an opening, without watching it.
And what do you give him to eat, Colonel?
Live beetles and frogs. It does not eat anything else. Its over there in the box. "See?
I half-opened the door to my flat. From a distant spot I showed the foolish neighbor a box that just arrived. It held samples of synthetic wrinkle-free lupines sent by my company, a company leader in its industry. I had to wait until the foolish neighbor took it away with his eyes. Naturally, I did not invite him to stay. A foolish neighbor does not have any business in my flat, or any flat with conditioned air. He does not have any business in a flat at the level of an executive. We took leave and I realized the fool had a lingering desire to ask more questions. Foolish neighbors are insatiable. But the respect that I instill in him is so great, IT IS SO GREAT that he did not dare to test me.
On the following day he wanted to know even more. I gave the most preposterous explanations. The fool neighbor believed everything! One week later I showed him the engraving from The Wonderful World of the Animals, where pterodactyl sat on a rock, and looked sternly towards the sea. The foolish neighbor was enchanted. He had never seen a picture of pterodactyl before. As he is not cultured, the fool lacks a bookcase made of Italian walnut.
How much did the pterodactyl set you back, Colonel?
A dynamic person is able to make fast decisions to manage any group; he cannot be surprised by a single question from a foolish neighbor.
Back then I paid.. I hoped to tell him with exactitude, Well, I have had it for two years. Lately the dollar has increased. (You know how the dollar increases..) It seems that I paid to the order of fourteen thousand or fifteen thousand pesos. But that...that included the pedigree.
The foolish neighbor pondered with his foolish face. Then I added to his grief, guessing that he thought it possible to obtain a pterodactyl without pedigree for only six or seven thousand pesos.
You must get a pedigree.
Next, I informed him that they raised them in Australia, but that the exporting house was in England. Fools dig their own graves and so it was that he requested the directions to the exporting house. Without any remorse, yet another characteristic of my brilliant humor, I complimented the back of one of my Swedish Opal cards. These are cards set aside for the executive level of correspondence. Even so, I fetched one and wrote the following address on the backside:
MR. CHARLES DARWIN
153, MURCIÉLAGO STREET
LONDON W.1
ENGLAND
Yes. It is my vivid mind that dictates these spontaneous occurrences. Other executives, who do not have fast intelligences, break their heads thinking, and still they do not have ideas like mine. Let me quickly step to analyze the distinct aspects of my invention. I am sure that I can be impartial. To begin with, I gave him Darwin as an addressee. If I remember correctly, Darwin never raised pterodactyls. Furthermore, it seemed to me that Darwin already met his creator. The name of the street is pivotal, Murciélago Street. In English this means "Bat Street. This is very subtle, since the bat is an insect of the pterodactyl order. I could invent the number, almost without thinking. London means "London," (one of the biggest cities of England). I once stayed there for four days in a meeting with other executives at the international level. There were many hippies and the buses circulated around to the left.
The foolish neighbor thanked me for this last bit of insight with as much effusion as the direction I had given him. He said that he was going to write immediately. I could not laugh any harder. When I told it to Gepeta, we vomited giggles for an hour.
Sometimes a fool can have unforeseeable reactions, contrary to the most basic principles of social coexistence and mutual respect. Having my doubts and not wanting to give him a gratuitous Judo lesson, I decided to inspect our branches of Cordova, Mendoza and Tucumán for the duration of a month. After my return, the lapsed time would have already appeased the rage of the fool. This would exempt me from punishing him, as so surely he deserved.
In Cordova, especially, they offered me a magnificent reception. I slept in the executive headquarters and had a dream of a shiny wastepaper basket. As for me, I was beautiful. I meddled in all the sections; I reviewed documents, fired whomever I wanted, and then bonded with a native Jefecito using only two or three shouts. The Jefecito was commanded to change the location of the clothes rack. The airplane ride that brought me home was very peculiar, I could think of nothing except the foolish neighbor.
So it was, that on the fourth day back in Buenos Aires, I shared the elevator with the foolish neighbor. Cautiously, I asked how he was doing.
Very well, Colonel, thanks, he responded with a strange smile (strange but foolish, it is understood.)
For his sake I had to find a small reproach. Immediately I calculated the reduced dimensions of the elevator. I calculated our independent weights, the strain put on the tow cable in conjunction with our combat. I calculated the various angles a body could fall, how his flattened torso might dissipate weight; I calculated and visualized him spread on the floor. There appeared to be enough room to do a small victory jump on his chest. I considered many options so that the expert Judoka would defeat the coarse boxer. All of the geometry and arithmetic necessitated one thing: I must surprise the foolish neighbor!
The directions you gave me were mistaken, Colonel, he finally said, breaking the silence.
After watching the numbers climb on the elevator scoreboard until they reached the name at the top, I pretended surprise. Mr. Otis name showed how high we might aspire, the B for basement warned of a deciduous drop.
I wrote to the 153, I do not know how many times! They replied that Mr. Darwin no longer lives in that house. The letter was translated by one of my nephews. He is a smart boy in his fourth year of business.
We arrived at our corridor. I would have to take my advantage there. As a last resort, in the case of feeling a sudden compassion towards the foolish neighbor, I could open the door quickly and repress my just fury in a flat with conditioned air. Gentle Gepeta would incline me to telephone the forces of law and order.
Caramba--, I said, in an even tone, born from the habit of speaking at the level of public relations. That is regrettable. I believed...
One does not become problems, Colonel. They meant to return my letters, that is all. In the end they sent the true direction to me. It was expensive and left little; thirty thousand pesos with load and everything, but Colonel... it is of pedigree.
The foolish neighbor walked to his door and signaled me to follow. I stretched to see the dark box of ebony wood. What a fool is the foolish neighbor! To think, he has such an awesome and annoying animal in the heat of avenue of the Liberator. Tomorrow, at this time, I will raise a complaint to the floor administrator.
When would we stop if we let every foolish neighbors take to their silliest fancy?
~~~~~~~~~~
Fernando Sorrentino.
Of Empires and Servitude. Barcelona, Editorial Seix Barral, 1972; reedición, Buenos Aires, Torres Agüero Editor, 1992.
Thanks for the very enjoyable read. Regards-Zan "