HOW TO MAKE THE BOSS YOUR BITCH.
A NINE STEP PROGRAM.
this material is copyrighted, but not spellchecked, by author.
Please use these advisory weapons with all sincerity.
1.) IDENTIFY YOUR FUHRER'S NEEDS. yOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO THEM AND THEY ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO SOMEONE OR SOME ENTITY.
2.) CIRCUMVENT YOUR _B_ AND FIND OUT WHAT THEY DO & WHAT THEY CALL WORK.
3.) DO YOUR JOB EXCEPTIONALLY WELL.
4.) REWARD YOUR HARD WORK WITH SMOKING, PORNOGRAPHY OR SIMPLE SONG.
5.) DO NOT LET YOUR _B_ KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BECOME ADDICTED TO SIMPLE SONGS UNLESS THEY CATCH YOU IN THE ACT.
6.) YOU MUST FORGO MARRIAGE AND ALL MANNER OF VACATIONS TO PROPERLY BITCHIFY YOUR BOSS.
IF YOU HAVE ALREADY MARRIED -- ASK THE SPOUSE TO ASSIST YOU IN OUTPERFORMING THE BOSS. tHIS MAY SEEM IMPOSSIBLE IF YOU ARE A SURGEON AND YOUR SPOUSE IS A COAL MINER. bUT THERE ARE ALWAYS WAYS IN WHICH COAL MINERS CAN HELP SURGEONS BITCHIFY THEIR BOSSes. IT TAKES PERSEVERENCE AND LOVE. you must love the aspect of complete control.
7.) BREATH
8.) WHEN YOU TALK TO THE B ... MAKE SURE IT IS IN A PROPHETIC VOICE. meek PEOPLE SHOULD USE A MEGAPHONE. Remember to project confidence. Wear heals and orthodics.
9.) ALWAYS COMPLIMENT THE B... REMEMBER THAT A LITTLE THING LIKE "you're doing a good job" will make your B feel better. Besides, dogs do not compliment their masters (unless they are both wearing human clothing of a similiar pattern). Whoever gives the best compliment wins. This is the dictation of nature.
IF AFTER 9 STEPS YOU HAVE NOT SUBORDINATED YOUR SUPERIOR --
then you are probably too lazy to complete this course.
Bosses are always lazy. This is the key fact that makes them susceptible to usurpers.
IF YOU ARE LAZY or prone to violent outburst of pouting THEN you cannot command. THE REST OF YOU WILL ASK FOR MORE, MORE, MORE codes of conduct, chances to champion; a beleiver's quiver for victory.
TO THEM REMAIN THE FOLLOWING 100 DAILY RITUALS:
DAILY1: BRING STRONG COFFEE WITH MUCH SUGAR AND CREAM.
if they refuse you -- buy some cafinated water and mix in concentrated juice.
CONTINUE this regiment for forty days and gradually increase the caffeine and sugar.
On the fourtieth day ATTACK.
Take away that which they yearn for.
Coordinate this day with the next general meeting of the company.
DAILY2: (FOR THOSE THAT CANNOT AFFORD A SIMPLE CAFFEINE PROGRAM)
Say, "Have you completed those reports yet?"
If they look at you with terror -- YOU HAVE WON.
If they look to you with disdain -- say, "I would have done them earlier... but you did not ask." (Then hand them the reports... ANY thing resembling a report will do).
After forty consecutive days of laisoning "reports"... you will have codified the mixed media operations of your former superior. THEY WILL NOT LOOK AT A COCKTIAL KNAPKIN WITHOUT WONDERING IF IT IS A 'REPORT'.
Feed them praise when they are lazy.
Give them more caffeine when they suceed.
Always keep a packet of M & M near your desk. Do not let the bitch eat at a normal lunchtime; ever.
DAILY 3: Do not let your _B_ eat on any particuliar schedule, ever. The way to the executive wash room is through HUNGER, not lust, or bribery. (Though these items do work during hostile take-overs).
DAILY 4: ENJOY YOUR QUARREY
DAILY 5: DO NOT DOMESTICATE THAT WHICH IS DOCILE.
If your _B_ is by chance the president and face of a large organization or country -- REMEMBER THAT LB JOHNSON GOT HIS TIME ON THE THRONE; you can to!
Do not wipe with double ply toilet paper before a meeting requiring a gratuitious ammount of hand shaking. This is particuliarly good strategy for professional women who are pleasing to look at.
Wear enough cologne near your wrist.
NOTE: The _B_ may smell well and try to thwart your charms. Force the handshake and fecal transference by statining implicitely: I WANT TO SHAKE THE HAND OF THE MAN/WOMAN THAT MADE THIS COMPANY!
Remember to gently rinse with Lava brand Soap.
DAILY 6: If you are employed by a non-profit organization that is run by a facist...
Upload bible.com to your cell phone. Start cross-referencing the _B's_ points of speech with verses from the bible. Make a big show in front of ALL coworkers (even the one that are just there for the money).
Say, "That was just like Marck 12:12"
Say, "When he/she speaks I am moved."
On the fortieth day, take away the B's coffee and ask "Is everything alright? You weren't as inspiring as usual. What can I do to help." BE HELPFUL.
BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HELPFUL THAT THEIR SPOUSE WANTS TO BE YOUR LOVER.
THE B'S KIDS SHOULD KNOW YOUR BIRTHDAY.
THE B'S PSYCHOLOGIST SHOULD ASK YOU FOR NOTES
Be there at all baptisms, brisks, and funerals.
Hold the hand of the oldest mother.
Buy a horse and hit it with a stick some time if you have to.
DAILY 7: collect the bugs from your home.
IF YOU ARE WORKING... THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE MANY INSECTS IN YOUR HOME BY NOW.
Transer all the fleas, spiders and bees to the office of your superior. NEVER release them until the B has drank the first cup of coffee.
DAILY 8: Remember: the proof is in the pudding.
If you are wise enough to know why pudding is important to sucess -- then are probably an obese fat person without much time to complete these chores.
NEVER FAULTER!
There are 92 more daily rituals for you to invent to become a magistrate, a mogel, a manipulator of many.
